The Girls Expert
by natuncia
Summary: "Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Said Sirius. Have you ever wondered about the conversation Sirius had with James after Lily turned him down in 5th year?


**The Girls Expert**

Have you ever wondered about the conversation Sirius had with James after Lily turned him down in 5th year?

* * *

He was an idiot. A big fat idiot.

James stared at his image in the mirror with disappointment and disgust. He messed his hair about, trying to find a way to make it look better, but it just got worse. He could throw on tons of his father's stock of Sleekeazy Hair Potion to make it smoother than even Sirius' hair, it wouldn't matter. Nothing could make him feel better about himself. The feeling was so unusual to him; he was not used to hating himself. He always knew it was all a bad idea, that she was a bad idea; to fancy her was the worst of the bad ideas. But it's not like he had chosen to in the first place. It wasn't his fault she was too damn fit for it to go unnoticed by him!

Oh, how he regretted the way he approached her a few days back. It was one of his worst moves.

 _"Go on . . . Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."_

Was that a way to ask a girl out? He couldn't help but groan and his comb fell on the floor… It was all a load of crap… He was so damn stupid.

"Prongs, is everything ok there?"

"Coming out in a sec…"

James dropped the wet comb in the sink in defeat.

Why did he have to humiliate himself at that level? He knew what her answer would be and he knew it was a bad bet to take, to approach her using Snivelly as his bait. Still he did it anyway. What doesn't desperation make you do?

In those moments, he wished he was more like his best friend. Dealing with girls for Sirius Black was as easy as quidditch for him. He basically leaned and they were all over him! James, on the other hand, was a different story; he had to struggle and fight for girl's affection, in this case for a very specific girl affection.

"It's time to get out and face the world Potter! Idiot or not…" he said to his image in the mirror.

"I thought you were dying in there" Sirius said when he left the bathroom.

He didn't answer; he wasn't really in the mood for Sirius' dark sense of humour.

"Since when does it take so long for you to jerk off?" James looked at him in disbelief "Some would think you would get out of there happier." Sirius added sarcastically.

James rolled his eyes

"I wasn't jerking off, you asshole."

"Then what the fuck were you doing there for so long?"

"I was just trying to fix this damn hair." James answered messing his wet hair even more.

"You failed." Sirius pointed out.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." James answered coldly sitting on his bed.

"I don't get why you care. A few days ago you were perfectly happy with it." Sirius added.

James didn't answer and started to put his neatly ironed clothes inside his trunk. He still felt his best friend's eyes observing him.

"Are you still pissed off because of what she said?" Sirius asked after a while.

"I don't know what you're talking about." James answered shortly, but of course he knew. "Have you seen my quidditch gloves?" he added trying to change the subject. "They were over here last time I checked."

"Mate, you need to get over this. You have been sulking about what she said for days now..."

"Sirius my gloves please, do you have them?" James replied, still busy looking for it under the bed.

Sirius stood and approached James' bed post.

"You can't ignore this subject forever."

"I don't want talk about it."

"Well it seems like we are going to have to since this is getting you to comb your damn hair."

"I am fine Sirius. Let's cut off the pep talk."

"Believe me mate I didn't want to have a pep talk with you of all people. Normally it's Pete who needs them."

"Then let's not."

"Prongs, you bloody believed what she said? She had her panties in a twist, Snivelly called her mudblood after she defended him for years, what a turn it took! I am sure she didn't mean what she said about you. You know Evans; she uses sharp language all the time with people who piss her off."

James snorted.

"Sirius I am leaving this room right now if you don't shut up"

"Do you really care about those stupid things she said mate?" Sirius asked exasperated ignoring James' request, who rolled his eyes in return.

"Of course I do." James burst out, suddenly. "Did you hear what she said?"

"That she'd rather date the giant squid than you? Bullshit, Prongs. She-"

"Not that." James replied, embarrassed, it was terrible that she turned him down, worse was that she actually made a _good_ joke out of it.

Sirius who was observing him had a questioning look.

"She compared me to him, Sirius." he said, defeated by his friend's persistence. "Of all the people, she compared me to him." That bothered him the most, for sure, not the Giant squid. That was funny actually; Lily Evans type of funny.

"Same bullshit, Prongs. She doesn't think you are like him. That's ridiculous. His hair is too greasy. that's just to begin with." Sirius said trying to make fun of it.

"Not funny Sirius, you heard her." James replied incredulously. "You are as bad as him, Potter!" he said imitating her voice. "As bad as him?" James burst out, exasperated and louder than he intended.

Sirius took a step backwards and watched his friend's outburst with his arms crossed. "And you said you were ok".

"As bad as him?" James circled his bed ignoring Sirius' remark. "What was she thinking? Snivelly, that filthy wicked git, with his nose stuck up inside a dark arts book and I am bad as him? Fuck off!"

"That guy is simply-" James paused exasperated. "He is evil, Sirius! We know that, just look at the way he obsessed over Remus' furry little problem! You see the stuff he does, those spells he invented? What he's getting himself into? How could she compare me to him?"

"Maybe he is not that bad of person to her, I guess." Sirius finally spoke.

James sat at his bed and ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"Listen, Prongs. I am sure she said that because she was pissed off. She doesn't think you are a bad person, because you are not a bad person, period."

"How can you tell? By all means she thinks we are the same piece of shit. Like I would ever-" James stopped abruptly and shook his head. "What he called her, I can't believe he did that. Weren't they supposed to be _friends_?" James emphasized the word friend like that was something disgusting.

"I tried to speak to her, you know that? Do you know what she is doing?" James said. "She is solemnly ignoring me. She doesn't even look at my direction anymore. But you know she spoke to him the other night? Mary told me."

"How am I even supposed to apologize if she doesn't even give me a chance to speak to her?" he added frustrated.

"You know how Evans is, Prongs; short temper, strong personality and cheeky attitude. Give her a break, she will come around."

They stood silent for a while.

"Have you seen my gloves or not?" James asked, irritated, and Sirius Black rolled his eyes.

"I think Peter had them. He was practicing the other day."

"Argh! He is always taking my stuff without asking"

"What are you going to do?"

"Kick his arse next chance I have"

"Not about Pete. I'm talking about Evans."

"Back to that again? I thought the conversation was over." James said, annoyed.

"Not over. We have to plan your future endeavours."

"What future endeavours are you talking about?"

"Well, aren't you asking her out again?"

James turned to look at his friend in total disbelief.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Well if you do, I must advise you; do not use blackmail. Girls don't really like that kind of approach. You need to be more, smooth…"

James gave a loud laugh and Sirius smiled proudly because he finally gotten his stubborn best mate to act like his damn best mate.

"Oh, Mr. Girls-Expert, tell me how I should do it..."

Sirius twisted his hands excitedly and was ready to start a lecture about how James could approach Lily Evans but James cut him off again.

"Wait, don't. I don't wanna know... I'm not really doing it anyway." James said.

"Why not?" Sirius asked.

"Why not?" James asked incredulously. "Let me think..." James added sarcastically. "Maybe it's because she hates my guts?"

Sirius laughed.

"Nah... She doesn't."

James rolled his eyes.

"Alright, Mr. Knows-it-all-about-girls… If she doesn't hate me, then why did she just scream to the whole school that I am as bad as a soon-to be-death-eater and that she thinks my hair is ridiculous, not to mention the bloody giant squid. She doesn't hate me at all..."

"Mate, she gets way too hot-headed with you. Plus, she checks you out when you are not looking, I've seen it. Obviously she thinks you are a conceited idiot, but she can't help that she has a thing for you."

"I thought _I_ was being delusional. How did you come to that wonderful conclusion? "

"Observation, Prongs. Girls are weird. Sometimes when they like you they can get angry at you very easily. It happens with regular blokes like you."

"Regular bloke?" James laughed.

"Well Prongs, you are not me. I've got the natural charms."

James laughed even harder.

"Your modesty amuses me. Have I mentioned before that you are such an expert?" James asked with sarcasm.

"Well, let's just say I have some experience."

James shook his head in disbelief and went back to his packing.

"I've got to have this trunk ready, we know the mess it will be leaving this place tomorrow. You guys all pack everything last second. I honestly can't wait to go home..."

"Stop avoiding this talk. What are you going to do about her?" Sirius asked, ignoring James' speech.

"You really are determined about it, aren't you?"

"Prongs, you've got to admit that you had a very poor approach and you are regularly making a fool of yourself in front of her... We've got change that."

James rolled his eyes. "I wasn't that bad."

"Yes, you were. In a quidditch scale I'd say you flirt as badly as Pete throws goals."

James laughed "Shit. I suck too much, then."

"Yes. At least with her you do. I can't have a best mate who is that bad with the ladies. I have a reputation to uphold. I say, you and me, this summer, should go out into the world and meet some chicks, huh? Train some techniques... Have fun on the way..."

"I kind of like that idea." James replied distracted by the thought of thousand girls sunbathing on a beach, none of them red heads with green eyes.

"It will be just like when you coached me last summer on how to get the snitch." Sirius added "But this time I will coach you on how to get the chick. The rhyme, obviously, was a coincidence and I am a genius."

James arched his eyebrow, grinning.

"Let's just hope for better results then."

Sirius hit James in the arm.

"Fuck off, Prongs. I am a very decent player."

James laughed.

"Very decent does not fit into my vocabulary, Padfoot." James added playfully "With me, there are just awesome, very awesome or freaking awesome."

Sirius laughed.

"Let's hope you get to be awesome with the girls then, or they will start to avoid me because I walk around with you." and James laughed. "Prongs, you've got to understand. The art of flirting was girls is as complex as getting a snitch in a very wicked storm. That is lesson number one."

"You're going to start comparing girls to quidditch? Worse. Evans to quidditch?"

"I've got to speak a language you'll understand mate."

James rolled his eyes.

"Ok. We'll do that. Now shut up, I need to pack"

The door opened and Peter Pettigrew came in all happily dirty, wearing…

"My gloves, you bloody rat!"

* * *

Kind of an epilogue:

James and Sirius went to Ibiza, Spain for a month where they met a bunch of muggle girls (Sirius loved their broken English). By the end of the trip James was certified by Sirius as a Medium-Awesome Girl Expert and said he was almost ready to get Evans to date him. He was right, almost ready. It would still take him a few months to finally get the courage to try and ask the redhead out again, but that is another story. At least James wasn't feeling so bad about himself. After all, he talked to… The Girl-Expert.

* * *

N/A:

I hope you liked it! ;)


End file.
